Today Is A Rough Day
It has been a minute since I last wrote a blog. I am going to talk a little about myself and a bit about my background. With that being said, please bare with me.
As someone who has been on a emotional healing journey for a couple of decades, I rarely say that I am having a rough day anymore. That sentence alone makes me really look back and see truly how far I have come on this healing journey. I am a chronically depressed person. I have PTSD. I feel alone a lot. I spend a lot of time in my own mind. However, I am a very optimistic woman. I prevail each day in overcoming my own mind. I know how to ground myself when I feel triggered. I still spend a lot of time in my own mind, but now I feed it nourishing thoughts instead of negative ones. Reading back through that, it all sounds so simple. Never on this journey have I thought it was simple.
Let’s start at the beginning, shall we. This day was one of the few days I truly remember as a turning point for me. My younger sister called me one day and told me she needed some help with a paper she was writing for school. She said she was interviewing different age groups and asking the same questions to each group.
“Would you be willing to answer a couple questions for me sister?” she asked.
Of course I agreed, not knowing what was about to happen to my emotional well being. Funny how a question can trigger something so profound that it starts to change your whole attitude and way of thinking. The first question she asked me (I honestly can’t remember anything after this 1st question),
“What is your first childhood memory?”
Now, that seems like a relatively easy thing to answer. I had to pause for a minute as I tried to recall my first real memory. Was it the first time I saw a movie at a theatre? Maybe my baby brother being born? Some happy memory that children have from childhood?
My first childhood memory was when I was almost four. I still remember it to this day; I was looking out the back window of a taxi as it pulled away from the house I lived in with my mom and brother. I remember crying, hysterically, for my mom. I look over to my baby brother who is a year or so old and he is so little he doesn’t know what is happening. I remember my dad telling me nothing. I just know that I didn’t want to be in the car leaving without my mom! Please, I yell at my dad, I just want my mom! I remember being at the airport and that is it. I remember how confused I felt, how sad I was. Where was my mom? Why wouldn’t they just bring my mom too? I remember we flew to New Mexico from Pennsylvania with my dad and uncle. My dad’s parents lived in New Mexico at the time. I remember getting off the plane and going to buy some shoes. After that it is a blur. I wouldn’t see my mom for another 2 years.
That memory still makes me get all choked up! That was the beginning of my memories. I had to take a minute after I told my sister that story, because at the time, I was starting to realize that by talking to my sister about this, I was for the first time acknowledging some deep memories that I hadn’t really shared with a whole lot of people. I hadn’t been dealing with a lot of these repressed memories, because hell, it’s just easier to not pay attention to the negative crap in your brain, than to deal with it. In not paying attention to these memories and what they signify, I had done myself a disservice. I hadn’t allowed the little girl inside me healing. Which in turn affected all areas of my life. My relationships with my husband, kids, family and friends has long been affected because I choose to act happy instead of being happy. I longed for love and approval. I wanted acceptance and to fit in everywhere I went. I needed to be needed. I hated what I looked at in the mirror and could never bring myself to say nice things to myself. That one question and that one memory started me down a whole new journey of healing the little girl inside.
There is so much more to how I got to where I am today, but that’s another story for a different day. Today, I can say even though it was a rough day, I am confident in my ability to apply the tools I have learned; to get through this rough day with at least one positive for the day. Even one positive for the day makes it worth it, because I remember a time when I couldn’t even think of one positive and now every day, that one positive turns itself into a 100 positive things! I have done so much internal work over the past decade and have learned so many useful tools in helping to make this my reality. I only get one life and I want to be as happy and at peace with myself and others, as I can be. I wasn’t brought up with a lot of the tools I needed to be a happy, fulfilled adult. I was more raised with coping mechanisms. I learned how to survive. I learned how to put up a tough exterior, and not allow people in to hurt me. I became a shell of someone they expected me to be. A good girl who still wasn’t good enough. Man was I ever screwed up. At some point you look back and either let all that crap define you or YOU define yourself! The little girl in me is happy today, even if it was a rough day. Tomorrow is a new new day with fresh perspective. I will allow today to be what it is, but I will not live there! Maybe I will go blow some bubbles and feel the sunshine on my face and remember a better day! I encourage you to let your inner child come out to play today!
Remember, smiles are contagious! Give someone yours today!